Somebody very close to me passed away recently and I have never felt this level of sorrow before.  It feels all consuming.  I have also never felt so alone before.

I m not a crier.  In fact I never cry and with this loss it seems to me that it creeps up at the most inopportune moments.  I will be walking in a grocery shop and think of something that this person liked.  Then the tears will come.  It seems that much harder to control them amongst other people.  The fact is I just wish my husband would hold me during the times when emotion gets the better of me.  That's all, I don't want him to solve the worlds problems, just a simple hug... no words necessary.  Just that simple contact that tells me that he is there and understands how devastated I am.  Just comfort. 

Lately since this happened I have been thinking about the fragility of life.  We are so fleeting.  There is not time to waste on people who hurt you and are not interested in you.  That is something you cannot force... Interest, that is.  You cannot force people to like you, or be with you or just plain spend time with you.

So, is that not what I am doing at the moment?  There has been so many signs lately.  The all consuming apathy... We are housemates at this stage.  There is no real interest or intimacy.  If we had different occupations we probably would only be passing each other in the kitchen whilst grabbing a cup of coffee.

So I wonder, what happened?  I remember not so long ago trying to please him, trying to spend time with him and also trying to get him to notice me.   Whenever I tried to tell him something that was bothering me he would answer that he had more important things to worry about, this is a trivial matter and not to bother him.  So I learned.  Now I do not tell him anything.  I do not know what he wants to hear when he asks me things.  I sometimes feel as if I am a ghost.  Only to be noticed when he needs certain items or when he is sick.  But this attention is never reciprocated.

Sometimes I hear him speak to customers, crack jokes with them.  He has this tone of voice when he speaks to female customers.  All warm and interested and I find myself wishing that I am that customer at that moment.  That he would speak to me all warm and interested.  And then reality crashes in and I am left in this empty life.  I have no financial security because he hardly ever pays me.  I have no life outside of my job, which is with him, and what friends he has.  He decides the tone and activities of our weekend.  I am always on the back foot.  He does what he wants and expects me to fall in with him.  Acting quite shocked when I protest.  I am never asked for an opinion, or if I had other plans, or if I simply wanted to do anything else.  i do not matter.  I am simply there for his pleasure, not that he takes any in my being there. 

I am empty....  I have no opinion or the ability to give it.  I am Ghost.

Have you ever been in a crowd of people, yet felt so alone?   How is it, that in today's modern society with all the techological wonders at our fingertips more people feel so alone, even surrounded by a sea of people.

I recently started a chat with a fellow reader on Goodreads.  It's fun and something to look forward to.  So on the day that she did not reply, I felt so let down... and alone. 

I was wondering... have we forgotten to reach out to real people and now rely only on email, facebook , my space.... to get our interaction for the day?

I for one have fallen into this trap.  When I am faced with a real live person, I feel intimidated and I don't know where to start.  What do you say?  How do you say something?  Maybe I'm just over thinking it... Yes, that typical female problem.  We do tend to think stuff to death.  It's just how it is and short of total annihilation, it will never change.

This is why I started writing here.  Somewhere to voice my thoughts.  Because, somehow there always seems to be a short circuit between my brain and my mouth.  Sometimes I want to stare at my mouth in amazement for all the drivel that it seems to be spouting without any interference form my brain.  So I don't blame people for thinking that I am a complete and utter moronic brainless idiot. 

But, I have completely lost the plot again.  Maybe people shy away from meaningfull interaction with other people, because nobody listens and pays attention anymore.  This is just so discouranging.  Whenever you speak to someone they do not pay attention at all.  They are busy formulating their retort on the basis of your fist 3 or 4 words.  It just drives me insane,  completely around the bend! 

What happened to proper listening without ego, someone just listening because they are interested in what you have to say.  It seems that any conversation has developed into a competition, and people just want to hear themselves speak.  So the end result is I always get quiet and listen to what they have to say.  I seldom voice my opinions and nobody ever asks why.  And do you know that nobody in these conversations has ever asked "what do you think?"

This is why I feel alone.  I do admit that I sometimes feel like a ghost, drifting aimlessly, with very few people noticing. 

Should I be louder and more vocal.  Force my opinions and ideas on others?

As I was trawling my favourite social media site I found the following....




Is this accurate?   If you have an idea let me know.... Your guess is as good as mine...

Have a good one
Wondering.......aloud

This year I have decided to keep track of all the books that I have read.  I was just wondering.... how many that would be for a year.  So I found a handy site that keeps you up to date with various inputs from other fellow readers.  It seems that they have a yearly challenge, so I set a goal of at least 300 books for  2014. 

Now, to some that would be too many,  but for me it sounded about right.  I have sleeping issues, and sometimes the nights are just too long and dark....  Well, that's a story for another day.

I was bored today and looking back at the covers of all these books.  Did I get a shock!  Normally the covers would have been someone with a gun in various poses and the title would have been some greek letter with the word conspiracy.

Well, now I am wondering where have I degenerated to all those naked chests and beautifully sculpted bodies....  Not that it's a bad thing, don't get me wrong.  But it is just so far out of my normal league it is not funny!

It seems that subconsciously I have a hankerin' for some serious lovin'.  :-)  I have never in my life read so many romances and erotica as I have this year.  Even my own sister was shocked.  "Do you actually read romances?"  she asked me the other day, a shocked expression on her face.  I was quite offended.  It was not as if I was carrying some smelly obnoxious substance at the bottom of my shoe....  I mean, I love the odd romance just as much as the next person.  You need some sweet in your life and some happy endings are not to be sneezed at.

So, now I was wondering.... Do the amount of romance you read directly correlate to the amount of romance you don't have in your life?

The more romantic and fulfilling your life is the less you feel inclined to play voyeur into someone else's life, even if they are fictional?  Do you live vicariously through others and characters in a book, if your own life is bleak and empty without the possibility of some wonderful someone just appreciating the dickens out of you?

If you know, or even have an idea or a rough guess, pop me a line.  After all your guess is a s good as mine....

Have a good one
Wondering....aloud

This morning as I was aimlessly scrolling through one of the various social media sites, I happend upon this picture.

I was wondering.... Does "The One" exist.  Is there really a soulmate, the-other-half-of-your-soul-to -complete-you and make-you-feel-whole-for-the-first-time-in-your-life out there?  Do they exist?  Or is this the cruel trick played upon millions of yearning women by Hollywood and Publishers to sell more movies and books?

Because if this is a marketing gimmick it is not only the women who suffer, but also the men attached to those women.  For they will never measure up to the mythical "One", the one who understands them perfectly without the women having to spell it out all the time.  The one who completes them.... you catch my drift.

Personally I felt slighted, because when I was younger I was firmly in the "The One" camp.  But sadly as time passed, all I met were pale imitations of "The One".  So my whole life was spent chasing this dream and illusion.

This is causing me to wonder if I should have spent less time chasing this dream and more time enjoying the ones I had.  Was my expectations too high?

But even with all this doubt, there is still some idiotic part of me clinging blindly to the belief that the "One" is still out there.  My cynical side tells me that he is either married with 50 children, or he became a monk, because in all my years of searching I have not stumbled across him.

But wouldn't it be amazingly wonderful to have a love like that... A love that cannot breathe or function without your other half.  Someone who loves you completely and utterly, someone who adores you even though you have sleep creases down your face and horror hair.....   Sigh....

Well, if you have any ideas or thoughts or even wild guesses, let me know because yours is as good as mine

Have a good one
Wondering....aloud

People

People watching is a secret hobby of mine.  I love to sit and observe the things people get up to when they don't realize that they are being observed.  I spent may a happy hour watching people in shopping malls and even in traffic when I am stuck.

Today was the same....and it caused me to wonder.... .

Why do men always grab their junk?  Do they see something that arouses them and they just want to make sure that said arousal is not too embarrassingly visible?  Are they afraid their genitals are going to step out for a few hours and they just have to make sure that it's all still there?

You never see women walking along fondling their breasts or wandering around aimlessly with their hands glued between their legs.  So I wonder and desperately seek the answer.... why do men continuously grab themselves and wander around with their hands glued to their penises?

Many times I have wanted to ask this question to my male friends and acquaintances.  But somehow I was never drunk enough to pop the question.  Besides would a drunk male give the right answer or would he be crawling on the floor laughing so hard?

I really would appreciate an answer or even a wild guess.  Because at this stage your guess is as good is mine.

Have a good one
Wondering....aloud

Creating this blog

Today was a happy accident.... I was actually trying to read someone else s blog... How is that for technological ineptness?  

But now that I am started, what the hell....


I will give this a go.

Have you ever had a conversation in your head and then when you tried to voice said conversation you lost the plot.  Well, this is the story of my life...  Always, and as such I come across as the archetypical dumb blond.  Which I am, seriously.  Well, if I have to be truthful, not so much anymore.  But that is a mere technicality.

Back to those awkward recreation of amazing thoughts to voicing them.  Well, what I was trying to say.  Maybe writing them will be better and I will be better able to voice what I was actually trying to say.

So how was that for the first try?  Shall I continue or should I keep my day job?  :-)

That is all for now

Happy days
Wondering...aloud