Somebody very close to me passed away recently and I have never felt this level of sorrow before.  It feels all consuming.  I have also never felt so alone before.

I m not a crier.  In fact I never cry and with this loss it seems to me that it creeps up at the most inopportune moments.  I will be walking in a grocery shop and think of something that this person liked.  Then the tears will come.  It seems that much harder to control them amongst other people.  The fact is I just wish my husband would hold me during the times when emotion gets the better of me.  That's all, I don't want him to solve the worlds problems, just a simple hug... no words necessary.  Just that simple contact that tells me that he is there and understands how devastated I am.  Just comfort. 

Lately since this happened I have been thinking about the fragility of life.  We are so fleeting.  There is not time to waste on people who hurt you and are not interested in you.  That is something you cannot force... Interest, that is.  You cannot force people to like you, or be with you or just plain spend time with you.

So, is that not what I am doing at the moment?  There has been so many signs lately.  The all consuming apathy... We are housemates at this stage.  There is no real interest or intimacy.  If we had different occupations we probably would only be passing each other in the kitchen whilst grabbing a cup of coffee.

So I wonder, what happened?  I remember not so long ago trying to please him, trying to spend time with him and also trying to get him to notice me.   Whenever I tried to tell him something that was bothering me he would answer that he had more important things to worry about, this is a trivial matter and not to bother him.  So I learned.  Now I do not tell him anything.  I do not know what he wants to hear when he asks me things.  I sometimes feel as if I am a ghost.  Only to be noticed when he needs certain items or when he is sick.  But this attention is never reciprocated.

Sometimes I hear him speak to customers, crack jokes with them.  He has this tone of voice when he speaks to female customers.  All warm and interested and I find myself wishing that I am that customer at that moment.  That he would speak to me all warm and interested.  And then reality crashes in and I am left in this empty life.  I have no financial security because he hardly ever pays me.  I have no life outside of my job, which is with him, and what friends he has.  He decides the tone and activities of our weekend.  I am always on the back foot.  He does what he wants and expects me to fall in with him.  Acting quite shocked when I protest.  I am never asked for an opinion, or if I had other plans, or if I simply wanted to do anything else.  i do not matter.  I am simply there for his pleasure, not that he takes any in my being there. 

I am empty....  I have no opinion or the ability to give it.  I am Ghost.